Thoughts of a Sprite

Wednesday, October 06, 2004

BLAH

I really don't feel like Updating. I just feel kind of blah today!

Got my results back, the external biopsies that he took came back negative, but this is not good. This simly means that it is positively internal.... great. He said it is either precancer or cancer.... Great... and I have to go in for more biopsies. This time they will have to dialate, and cut larger chunks, shich they will then have to cauterize shut. GREAT.... then I get to HURRY up and Wait some more! GREAT! I don't even have that appointment until the 15th....All the while each time he does these biopsies, my chances to carry full term get smaller and smaller.... not even taking into consideration the surgery and what it will do to my dreams of one day being a mother!

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even really think of anything else. I have started smoking agian, and I have a huge knot in between my shoulder blades from stress. I am really worried about this. I am just not myself lately.

I miss my Normal life. I miss just being a student. Every semester before this, even when I had to have knee surgery, I mostly stressed about school, and tests. There is always some drama of some sort.... but this is different, this lies in the pit of my stomach, constantly reminding me that something is wrong. I am also slightly worried because, I called them to schedule my check up due to some wierd cramping pains that I was having in the area of my ovary on the right side. Last night I had severe cramps, and no I did not fall off the roof. (for those of you who don't know my Heather-bonics, this simply means that time) Just makes me wonder.

See I told you I didn't really want to update... I feel like I constantly have to wear this mask, because no one really wants to know the bad things. Like I should act if nothing is wrong... I feel like I have done something to bring this upon myself... If Karma is real, then I must have done some really bad things. I just keep thinking over and over what could I have done differently? I feel very alone, even though I know that I have people who love me, I feel as though I am terribly alone, and only Draco knows that I lay awake until the wee hours of the morning with tears streaming down my face, and only I know how scared I am, not that I am afraid of cancer, or surgery, but of not being able to feel my own children grow inside me, of not going through those hours of loving labor pains, of not knowing the joy of holding my child for the first time, smelling its breath, hearing it cry.... Of never truly being happy... I feel so alone....

shes_a_sprite @ 4:10 PM.

0 comments